most days I feel apathetic, other days I feel like a crying mess. But in the end of all this I know I feel some sort of emotion, I feel something, I think people hide from their emotions by putting up emotional walls. And it is when we are all alone in solitude that we can break down and feel how bad we truly hurt.
I have hidden my emotions and feelings from people for a long time. I am guarded from people and relationships in the physical world. Yet this is odd in a sense of the fact I enjoy the physical touch of another person. I will explore this more in coming posts.
I digress and go back to the main point of this, and let you understand where this is coming from. This last week I have been in some pain from a boil coming up on my leg. Tuesday I decided to soak in the tub and draw it out. Side note the week before I was in a boat accident, this is for the next part. While I was soaking in the tub I started to wonder in my mind was this a boil or a blood clot. not having my computer near but a phone handy I made a call to someone with first hand experience. It did not help. I then called my mom she put it as did you look in to the symptoms bit. about that time I had made the decision to shower off and get on-line to see.
In my last few minutes before rising I had a conversation with another part of me from a different time. a time when I was more combative, egotistical, and just plain mean. this voice taunted me in my tears about a fear of death. it was so dark and cold in this area. Asking if “I still fear death”. In this raw emotional state that I realize it is not death I fear, as that’s what a man owes for his life and Sin. My wonder of a revelation, it is that knowing you are mortally wounded. wounded and knowing death may be near, but could still be some time.
What scared me was knowing that given some time left here. The thought of not loving again, or feeling the touch of another person. Made me question who and what I had become on the inside.
From this experience I have learned a new appreciation for Life and Love. These too will be further explored in a future posts.
So my question is this, In that deep dark place you don’t oft tread what is your greatest fear, and what did you learn from it?